SEX IN THE JUNGLE

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

Who Closes a Sex Festival for Lack of Interest?

Oddly Enough - Reuters
Reuters
Who Closes a Sex Festival for Lack of Interest?

Fri Apr 1,11:10 AM ET

Add to My Yahoo! Oddly Enough - Reuters

LONDON (Reuters) - Organizers of a major erotic festival are closing for business in Manchester due to a lack of interest, which they blame on recalcitrant northern English men.



Erotica Manchester opened on Friday, selling a range of sex aids, clothing and footwear, but ticket sales have been poor and organizers say they will not be coming back.

"We've tried to warm this city up for more than two years but northerners just haven't responded in sufficient numbers," said event director Savvas Christodoulou.

"They are happy enough to come to our London event in the autumn but they seem embarrassed about being seen at Erotica Manchester."

Organizers said their research shows northern women wanted to attend the three-day adult show but were "under the thumb of their other halves."

"We thought Manchester was an open minded city but maybe we were wrong," a spokesman for the event told Reuters. "People flock to our show in London but it seems that up here, the traditional northern male still calls the shots."

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

BLIND DATE

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Too Sleepy for Sex?

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Many Americans are so sleepy that they are having problems in their marriages, making mistakes at work and even going without sex, according to a report released on Tuesday.


The poll by the National Sleep Foundation found that 75 percent of adults frequently have a symptom of a sleep problem such as frequent waking during the night or snoring. But few believe they have a sleep problem and most ignore it.

"Half of the country sleeps pretty well -- the other half has problems," Foundation chief executive Richard Gelula said in a statement.

What is to blame? The survey of more than 1,500 adults found that 87 percent usually watched TV in the hour before going to bed, 47 percent usually had sex and 64 percent read.

"Only about one-half of respondents are able to say on most nights, 'I had a good night's sleep'," the Foundation, which issues regular reports showing Americans do not get enough sleep, said in a statement.

Nearly a quarter of those in a marriage or relationship said they had sex less often or had lost interest in sex because they are too sleepy.

The Foundation recommends that adults get between seven and nine hours of sleep a night but the survey found that Americans get an average of 6.9 hours.

Of those surveyed, 60 percent of drivers admitted to having driven drowsy in the past year and 4 percent said they had an accident or near-accident because they were tired or dozing while driving.

Almost 30 percent of employed adults said they had missed work, made errors or missed some activity because of sleep-related issues in the past three months.

Most people -- 77 percent -- complained that their partner has a sleep-related problem, usually snoring.

"In my practice, I've found when couples are forced to sleep apart because of one partner's sleep problems, it often has a terrible effect on the relationship," said Dr. Meir Kryger, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at St. Boniface Hospital Research Center at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg and a director of the Foundation.

More than a third of people who described themselves as poor sleepers said their intimate relationships were affected because they are too sleepy, compared to 8 percent of good sleepers.

Size Matters

LONDON (Reuters) - A television commercial for KFC was banned by Britain's advertising watchdog because it said the fast food chain misled customers into thinking its mini chicken sandwiches were larger than they really are.



The Advertising Standards Authority said on Wednesday that after it bought three mini chicken fillet sandwiches from a London KFC it agreed with five complaints about the ad -- which included a close-up of a sandwich in a woman's hands.

"We believed the visuals were likely to mislead viewers over the actual size," the agency said.

"We noted that the bun shown in the advertisement was significantly thicker than the burgers we purchased; that there was more filling and the lettuce was a different type," it added.

The ASA ordered that the ad, created by London-based agency Bartle Bogle Hegarty, not be shown again in its existing form. The firm is minority owned by French group Publicis .

KFC, owned by Yum Brands, argued that the woman in the ad simply may have had small hands, although it said the actress was not cast for that reason. The chain also said the burger's name and price -- 99 pence ($1.86) -- implied that it was smaller than a normal fillet burger.

The ASA said it did not think that was sufficient to alert consumers that the sandwich was smaller than it appeared.

Ah, So That's What Fraternity Means...

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A California university, once ranked by Playboy magazine as the top U.S. party school, is probing a fraternity for a party where a hard-core sex film was made, a school spokesman said on Monday.



California State University Chico has suspended its 25-member chapter of Phi Kappa Tau, while it investigates the party at which professional porn actors were filmed having sex last October, said school spokesman Joe Wills.

Shane's World, a Southern California maker of adult films, including ones featuring partying college students, provided four female and two male actors for the film, a spokeswoman said.

A trailer of the toga-themed film, on sale on DVD for $24.95, appears on the filmmaker's Web site. Three Chico State students had sex on film, said Shane's World spokeswoman Nicole Henderson.

"On Friday we suspended the fraternity," said Wills. "We're trying to gather information as fast as we can right now."

The fraternity chapter will not be able to participate in school events until the university concludes its investigation, which stemmed from a rumor circulating on campus, said Rick Rees, a student activities official.

The fraternity chapter could not be reached for comment on the film, the most recent scandal to hit Chico State. Earlier this month police arrested students in connection with the death of a student during a Chi Tau fraternity hazing ritual.

Chico is a college town in a rural area of northern California.

Film company spokeswoman Henderson said the filmmaker is contacted for its films by college students, who must verify they are older than 18 and sign release forms to be at parties and appear in its "College Invasion" series of films.

"We bring the porn stars and the cameras, and we just film," Henderson said. "We get hundreds of letters every month from college students wanting us to come out to their schools."

Shane's World has made six College Invasion films since 2000 and is in talks with university students for future films, Henderson said.

Mom Knows Best

Michael invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Michael's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Michael and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Michael and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Michael volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Joanne came to Michael and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Joanne said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Joanne, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Joanne. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Hong Kong prostitutes turn to mobile phones to pull in punters

HONG KONG (AFP) - Prostitutes in Hong Kong have gone hi-tech and are advertising their services through cell-phone voice messages, a report said.

Prostitutes, who may operate legally from their homes in the southern Chinese enclave, have begun sending out automated messages in which they advertise their addresses and phone numbers.

"Our girls are only doing it part-time but you will like them," one message reads, according the to the South China Morning Post newspaper.

"They are young but very experienced in all kinds of techniques," it continues, adding that the girls are all from mainland China.

The sex messages came to light when a reader contacted the newspaper to complain she had received repeated spam communications on her phone.

Police are investigating, the report said.

Pole dancing the latest fad

LONDON (Reuters) - Silver disco balls spin red lip-shaped lights around the room and Britney Spears' "Oops I did it again" blares as Debbie gives herself a cheeky slap on the left buttock.

In school uniform, suspenders and high heels, she struts confidently around the pole, hooks her leg around it and swings to the ground before rippling back up. Flicking her long hair aside, she pauses to glance over her shoulder at the audience.

But contrary to appearances, Debbie is no pole pro. She's a 42-year-old married banker in London who has just completed a six-week beginners' course in pole dancing at My Pole Dance School in London.

She is one of growing numbers of urban British women -- from bankers and accountants to charity workers and housewives -- who are using poles to get fit and get sexy.

Gyms and pole dancing schools are reporting a huge surge in enrolment, supposedly inspired by model Kate Moss's sultry pole performance in the recent pop video by White Stripes and the film "Closer", in which Natalie Portman plays a stripper.

"It brings out the raunchy side in everyone," says fellow pole apprentice Sam, 29, who works in children's TV by day and frequents fetish clubs by night, a pastime hinted at by her six inch perspex and PVC heels.

"It's a way for people to put the spice back into their marriages," she added. "Unlike an aerobics class, this is something you can take back and share with your man."

SEEDY OR JUST SEXY?

Gone are the days when pole dancing was seen as the preserve of the sleaze industry, an activity performed by over-made up doll-like women before leering men in dingy strip joints.

Well, almost gone.

"My husband was a bit shocked to start with. He thought I was going through a life change," said Debbie, who was desperate to keep her secret from her banking colleagues. "I'd hate them to find out. It has a real stigma (but) if you do it, you realise it's fun and not seedy.

Professional stripper Maxxx Dobroslavic says women in Britain are discovering a new freedom in themselves, becoming more aware of their bodies and experimental with their sexuality.

"Women are wishing to have fun expressing their sexuality. Pole and lap dancing, striptease is all very much a part of that."

Stripping and dancing also make women feel more confident and that extends to other areas of their lives, said Maxxx, winner of the 2001 UK Pole Dancing Competition.

Hard-core feminists may disagree.

"If you come from a secure economic background and you've got education then it isn't such a big thing to play with sex tourism. If you don't have these your status is very different," said Paula Black, a sociology lecturer at Sussex University.

The latest craze in erotic dancing doesn't change the way men look at women's bodies as sexual objects and puts pressure on women to achieve in yet another area, she said.



"It's not always about throwing off inhibitions. It's almost like we see sex as a hobby. It's something we have to get right."

BOOMING DEMAND

But judging by the popularity of pole dancing classes and the euphoric atmosphere in the classroom, it seems women are brushing off negative perceptions around the activity.

Such is the demand for lessons that self-taught dancer Vanessa Lam is giving up her full-time day job as an accountant to devote herself to the pole dancing business she and her sister Fiona, a policewoman, set up.

In just three years, My Pole Dance School has expanded from classes in a poky room in southeast London to a business with "schools" catering to individuals, hen parties and birthday groups held in night clubs in eight cities around England.

Jumping on the trend, gyms and companies like lastminute.com and Activity Superstore, offering lifestyle experiences, are signing up with My Pole.

Some department stores have brought in pole dancers to spice up the shopping experience.

At the start of the six-week course, the women are timid and self-conscious. By the end, they are ordering poles to install at home, snapping up the skimpy outfits sold in packets so small they look like they are for tights, and signing up for the intermediate course.

Some are even talking of going professional.

Sara, 36, sporting hot pants, a bustier and black boots, teaches yoga and fitness but now wants to expand to pole dancing, teaming up with Luciana, 32, whom she met on the course.

Long after the end of the class, the two keep practising their dance routines, videoing each other on their mobiles for their partners at home.

"When you watch it done professionally it's an art, it's beautiful to watch. It's like gymnastics on a pole," said Sara.

Some more adventurous men are even taking part. On a recent Saturday, Michael, a former dancer, booked a session with My Pole to celebrate his 36th birthday with a group of 10 friends.

"It's acceptably sleazy. It gives women a chance to bring the slutty side out that they don't get to normally and men the girlie side," said TV producer Barry before slithering down the pole to hoots of laughter from Michael and his friends.