Guide to college sex?

The bombastic moralizing of Bill O'Reilly isn't Fox News' only contribution to America's cultural milieu. It turns out Fox News isn't even all that conservative, at least not in its Internet division.

Fox News' Internet magazine has given to the world a very helpful guide to college sex. (It is helpful only in the sense that some people might not have considered routine, casual dorm sex a viable lifestyle choice until they were informed of it by a cable news channel's Internet portal.)

If one does not regularly visit the Fox News Web site, he or she might have been unaware of a particular "Back To School" offering from last week. Casual sex during college years not being what it used to be, Fox whipped out an informative video on the subject. Upon viewing this Internet video presentation, Fox hopes we students will have gotten "completely schooled on campus relationships 101."

In the unfortunate event that one missed www.FNCiMag.com's "Campus Hook-Ups" video, here's the cheat-sheet version of it:

The "411" on college life, according to Fox's Internet sex anchoress Audrey Hasson, is that it is great to live on campus and "meet" some truly amazing people there, but one must go about these "meetings" in certain ways. College is, after all, about having fun, and the only way to have fun (read: sex) is by meeting people. But people are like squirrels that live in Alumni Park, and one can be neither too forward nor too timid when approaching a squirrel, lest it scamper away, up a tree other than your own.

The way to go about meeting amazing college people can be quite difficult, however, unless one has been instructed in the proper technique. Many questions must be asked: How exactly does one go about this meeting of the people? Where do these meeting rituals occur? How far is too far in the meeting process?

Fox "relationship expert" Marie Forleo provides some answers.

First of all, it is important for one to dump his or her "special" someone back home when moving off to college. Fun times are ahead, and if things were meant to be with that person back home, then the bum will still be waiting for you when you return over winter break.

Step two in meeting people at college is to actually go out where there are other people. There are "tons of ways to meet people," such as by going to "bars and frat parties."

Fox helpfully provides some dos and don'ts after one has met a new "friend" at a bar or frat party.

Here's the first don't: Don't "hook up with a guy" if he or you are "sloppy drunk." (Fox News illustrated this "don't" with a video clip of a drunk guy crawling on top of a girl passed out on a sofa; a big "X" is superimposed on the screen.) Drunken people hooking up is bad, according to Fox News, because the next morning the female will find herself "doing the walk of shame." (This is illustrated by video of a girl walking, with the word "SHAME" superimposed on the screen.)

Don't No. 2 is "stay away from your friends' guys." Two friends sleeping with the same guy just causes problems. (But not for the guy.)

Don't No. 3 is, "do your best to stay away from your professors." They might be cute, but "let's not go there," admonishes Fox.

On the other hand, here are some dos. Do "date and have fun!" Go "bowling!" Also, do "try different activities" besides the "drinking thing." (This anti-drinking do clearly conflicts with Fox's previous suggestion that one meet people at bars and frat parties.)

Also, once again, do date many people so that we don't get caught up in a "mini-marriage," tying ourselves to only one person. (College is about having fun with multiple partners, remember.)

Fox's final do is, "broaden your horizons." Get out there and "try people that are different than you," because by being open-minded you might find someone you can have a "great time" with.

On the subject of "dating and exploration" in college, one must inevitably wonder how far one should "take that." Luckily, Fox News has provided an answer to that quandary as well.

"What you want to do is have a good time, but ya gotta do what works for you personally," Fox says; "having different partners" is cool. Just make sure it's consensual, and that you women aren't using sex to manipulate the men; after all, he just wants sex, he doesn't want love.

Also, Fox instructs that one should only engage in "safe" intercourse. Fox neglects, however, to explain how one ensures his or her safety, especially considering one is "meeting" with so many "friends" at so many bars and frat parties.